Two steaks

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.

As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill:

"If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom:

"The smaller piece, of course."

Bill:

"What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"





ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:

1. "Always remember you're unique--just like everyone else."
2. "Bad Cop! No donut!"
3. "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
4. "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
5. "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
6. "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
7. "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
8. "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
9. "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
10. "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
11. "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
12. "I souport publik edekasion"
13. "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
14. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"
15. "I'm a corporate executive--I keep things from happening."
16. "If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question."
17. "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
18. "It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
19. "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
20. "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
21. "Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law."
22. "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
23. "Montana --- At least *our* cows are sane!"
24. "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
25. "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let him sleep."
26. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
27. "There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
28. "This acid must be good. It feels like I'm driving!"
29. "Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students"
30. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
31. "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
32. "Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!"
33. Keep Honking/I'm Reloading








RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammerred, 'A what?............

A rectum stretcher!

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.

I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arshole?' he asked

' You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'




Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard








Winnie, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Bob, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Bob (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Bob, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Bob quietly parked his pickup in front of Winnie's house... walked home... and left it there all night.







A SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)






"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."










Puns For Educated Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.







Translated Signs From Other Countries

[1] IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

[2] Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

[3] Doctor's Office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

[4] Dry Cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

[5] In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

[6] On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

[7] On a Poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

[8] In a City Restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

[9] In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

[10] Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

[11] On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

[12] In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

[13] Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

[14] Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

[15] In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

[16] A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

[17] Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

[18] Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

[19] Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

[20] A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[21] Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE