boo boo hiss hiss

What did Cinderella say to the photographer???

Someday my prints will come.

What is the science of shopping??

Buy-ology.

Why can’t a leopard hide?

Because he’s always spotted.

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just
can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted
them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of
marinade. I just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at
the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around
the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on
their heads.”

“Ah, ha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder … those are friars!”

Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?

Because it said “concentrate”.

What does the richest person in the world make for dinner every night?

Reservations

What did one knife say to the other?

Look sharp

What starts with a “t”, ends with a “t”, and is filled with “t”?

A teapot

Where are you guys getting these? I sit here and can’t help but laugh.

Keep making us laugh, it is so good for the soul…

A J

Laughter is the best medicine.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing
construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned
beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one
more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this
building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again! If I get burritos one more time, I’m going to jump
off too.

"The Redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again.
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping
too.”

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned
beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps
too.

The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps
to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says,
“If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and
cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says,"I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated
burritos so much.

"Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck’s wife. “Hey,
don’t look at me,” she said. “He makes his own lunch.”

This one came from chetday.com.

OMG!!!

I love the redneck jokes! And I have several redneck friends - so don’t think that I am discriminating or making fun of them! I call them “rednecks” and they call me “dang Yankee” - we get along great!

I make candy and cookie houses, etc. for all different holidays and a friend of mine (one I call redneck) emailed a picture to me called - the redneck gingerbread house.

It was made with graham crackers, a bit lop-sided, shaped like a trailer with crooked windows and several toys cars (some with wheels, bumpers or doors missing!) planted all around it. And they used the Keebler Fudge Stripe Cookies for the trailers wheels! There were a few other “interesting” items as well. It was a real hoot!!! A wonderful creation!

i have to post this one, even if it doesnt get a laugh. My son made this one up and he is only 5

why couldnt the duck find his family?

because they were behind him…

SWTNESS -

AWWWW - HE IS SO SWEET!

KW

Fruit Salad

Three guys who were lost at sea ended up landing on an unfamiliar island. After wandering around for a while, a group of natives picked them up and took them to their hut. The chief came up to them and said, “We will let you live, if you can go out into the jungle and bring me 10 pieces of fruit.” So the men agree and take off. The first guy brings back 10 apples and places them before the chief. “Now, you must stick the apples up your ass and not show a bit of emotion, or else we will kill you.” The guy got one, and on the second, he flinched and was killed. The second guy walks up and shows the chief 10 berries. He is given the same task and makes it up to 8 and then begins to laugh histerically. He is also killed. When the second guy gets to heaven and meets up with the first, the first asks him “You almost had it! Why did you laugh??” The second replies, “I couldnt help it. I got the 8th up there and saw the other guy walking up with pineapples.”

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Buffalo meat is getting more popular. I suppose soon we can expect cold cuts made from it – possibly called “buffaloney.”

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”
“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.
“Excellent, Michael!”
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, …just #$&#*&^# beautiful!

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says.
“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher.
“Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors’ Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went “ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!”, and before he could say “F–K OFF!”, the dog ate him!”

Dogs Letter To God


Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another?
Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old
story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar,
the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named
for a dog? I mean, how often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs
love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it
would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
… …
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at
the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the
beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can’t
make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did … ?

Interesting Tidbit

Year 1981

  1. Prince Charles got married

  2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

  3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

  4. Pope Died

                             Interesting Tidbit
    

Year 2005

  1. Prince Charles got married
  2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
  3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
  4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry … please warn
the Pope!!

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief stoically replied…, “My bike.”

A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
“Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much
alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned,” then returned to his
paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean
to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does.”

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The assistant, never having heard of rectal deodorant asks the pharmacist. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. I’m sorry", says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any”. “But I always bought it here,” says the blonde. Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist… Oh, YES", said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.” She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant”

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container… TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Double Pane Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year…that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn’t called back.

Guess he felt really stupid, huh