chuckles

Here are the top comments made by sports commentators

  1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
    “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.
    I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

  2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
    “This is really a lovely horse,
    and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

  3. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
    “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

  4. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
    "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing

  • but none of them really that serious."
  1. Baseball announcer:
    “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

  2. Basketball analyst:
    “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it.
    In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

  3. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
    “Ah, isn’t that nice,
    the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew.”

  4. Metro Radio, College Football:
    “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

  5. US Open TV Commentator:
    “One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,
    before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.
    Oh my God, what have I just said?”

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT

DEAR LORD -

So far today, I’m doing all right!

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, selfish, nasty or self-indulgent.

I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.

I have not charge anything on my credit card.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then…

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
>
>
>is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
>
>almost went unnoticed last week.
>
>
>Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died peacefully at
>
>the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
>
>into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble
>started.
>
>
>Shut up. You know it’s funny. Now send it on to someone else and make
>
>them smile!
>

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…

  1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

  2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

  3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

  4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

  5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

  6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

  7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

  8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

  9. Your junior prom offered day care.

  10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

  11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

  12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

  13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

  14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

  15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

  16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

  17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And Finally:

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.