Do You Remember - And A Few More

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN…?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone’s Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn’t pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . and they did?

When a 57 Chevy was everyone’s dream car…to cruise,
peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, “That cloud looks like a …”

and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don’t you just wish, just once,
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,
and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn’t because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this on to someone who can still remember
Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,
Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery,
the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,
Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool,
and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say, “Yeah, I remember that”?

I am sharing this with you today
because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between
old enough to know better and too young to care.

How many of these do you remember?

Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers

Telephone numbers with a word prefix…(Raymond 4-601).
Party lines

Peashooters
Howdy Dowdy
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi’s

Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers

Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum

Penny candy

35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when…

Decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-moe”?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “Do Over!”?
“Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn’t odd to have two or three “Best Friends”?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was “cooties”?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?

Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute commercials for action figures?
“Oly-oly-oxen-free” made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their “grown-up” life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!

Dear Diary,
>>
>>Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
>>expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call
>>from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work
>>had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn’t paid for them. Hellloooo?
>>Now just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.
>>So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year.
>>Namely that, in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
>>Helllooooo? It’s been a year! (I told him) There was only silence at the
>>other end of the line, so I finally just hung up He didn’t call back.
>>Guess
>>I won that stupid argument.

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
by Kathleen Gooding, Ph.D

DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read …
Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it’s fun.

  1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
    have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

  2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

  3. Add 5

  4. Multiply it by 50 – I’ll wait while you get the calculator

  5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 …
    If you haven’t, add 1755.

  6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times
you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are …

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

One Day, When A Seamstress Was Sewing While Sitting Close To A River, Her Thimble Fell Into The River. When She Cried Out, The Lord Appeared And Asked, “my Dear Child, Why Are You Crying?”

The Seamstress Replied That Her Thimble Had Fallen Into The Water And That She Needed It To Help Her Husband In Making A Living For Their
Family.

The Lord Dipped His Hand Into The Water And Pulled Up A Golden Thimble Set With Pearls. “is This Your Thimble?” The Lord Asked.

The Seamstress Replied, “no.”

The Lord Again Dipped Into The River. He Held Out A Silver Thimble Ringed With Sapphires. “is This Your Thimble?” The Lord Asked.

Again, The Seamstress Replied, “no.”

The Lord Reached Down Again And Came Up With A Leather Thimble.

“is This Your Thimble,” The Lord Asked?

The Seamstress Replied, “yes.”

The Lord Was Pleased With The Woman’s Honesty And Gave Her All Three Thimbles To Keep And The Seamstress Went Home Happy.

Some Years Later, The Seamstress Was Walking With Her Husband Along The Riverbank, And Her Husband Fell Into The River And Disappeared
Under The Water. When She Cried Out, The Lord Again Appeared And Asked Her, “why Are You Crying?”

“oh Lord, My Husband Has Fallen Into The River!”

The Lord Went Down Into The Water And Came Up With Mel Gibson.

“is This Your Husband?” The Lord Asked.

“yes,” Cried The Seamstress.
The Lord Was Furious. “you Lied! That Is An Untruth!”

The Seamstress Replied, “oh, Forgive Me, My Lord. It Is A
Misunderstanding. You See, If I Had Said ‘no’ To Mel Gibson, You Would Have Come Up With Tom Cruise. Then If I Said ‘no’ To Him, You Would Have Come Up With My Husband. Had I Then Said ‘yes,’ You Would Have Given Me All Three.
Lord, I’m Not In The Best Of Health And Would Not Be Able To Take Care Of All Three Husbands, So That’s Why I Said ‘yes’ To Mel Gibson.”

The Moral Of This Story Is: - Whenever A Woman Lies, It’s For A Good And Honorable Reason, And In The Best Interest Of Others.

That’s Our Story, And We’re Sticking To It.

WHEN WOMEN DRINK -

  1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS AFTER WE PUT IT IN A SAFE
    > PLACE.
    >
    > 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT
    > WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
    >
    > 3. WE’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S A S S AND HONESTLY
    > BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
    >
    > 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
    HOMELESS
    > HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
    >
    > 5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO
    MUCH.
    >
    >
    > 6. WE GET EXTREMELY OVERJOYED AND YELL OUT EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY’S
    > BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG, THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG!”
    >
    > 7. WE’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
    >
    > 8. WE’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
    >
    > 9. WE ASK THE BARTENDER TO DOUBLE THE LIQUOR IN OUR DRINKS BECAUSE WE CAN
    NO
    > LONGER TASTE THE ALCHOL.
    >
    > 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
    BATHROOM
    > FLOOR AND OUR BLANKET IS THE BATHROOM MAT
    >
    > 11. AFTER A WHILE WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN WE SIT
    > ON IT.
    >
    > 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT’S THEIR FAULT THAT WE’RE
    > HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
    >
    > SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE FUN. MAKE THEM
    > LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID…

Subject: new miracle medication

> Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
> sometimes wish you were more assertive?
>
> If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist
> about Tequila.
>
> Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
> yourself and your actions.
>
> Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
> that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.
>
> You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a
> regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
> from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
> thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
> had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
>
> Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
> should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or
becoming
> pregnant are encouraged to try it.
>
> Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic
> lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss
of
> virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration,
dry
> mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip
> Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.
>
> Ask your bartender if Tequila is right for you.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, '“Mabel, do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.” Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big {omitted}{omitted}{omitted}{omitted} he always was.”
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise.” The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, “Watch that wall!”

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?” She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, “Well, why are you crying?” She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.” I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me…I know we’ve been friends for a long time…but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

>

Subject: MAD COW

A female TV reporter from a local Seattle Station was out in the boonies
interviewing a farmer, attempting to find out some information on the
Mad Cow problem.
“Good evening, sir. I am here trying to collect some information on the
possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?”
The Farmer stared at the reporter and replied, “Miss, are you aware that
a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”
The lady reporter, obviously embarrassed, replied, “Well, sir, that’s a
new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this
phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
“And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
“Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the
point?”
“I am getting to the point, madam. Just think about this for a minute;
if I was playing with your t i t s twice a day but only screwing you once a
year, wouldn’t you get mad too ?”

. . . it makes me mad and I’m not even a cow.

A Beer Before It Starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.” She
looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna’
start.” This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.”

“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed. “Oh s h i t, it’s started.”

Subject: Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed

this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You’re foreigners! Come in!

Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex, like a great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex Freak?”

The Pakistani man replied, “Just try dem on, Sahib.”

With that, after much badgering from his wife, he finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years… raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani’s thighs.

The Pakistani began screaming…

YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET.

YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!"

Subject: blondes

> Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death
>> > in a drive-in movie? They went to see “Closed for the
>> > Winter”.
>> >
>> > *********************
>> > Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
>> > She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the
>> > world was Chinese.
>> >
>> > ************************
>> > A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one
>> > night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
>> >
>> > How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked
>> > her.
>> >
>> > “Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde
>> > replied.
>> >
>> > “What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit
>> > suicide by shooting your finger off?”
>> >
>> > “No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun
>> > to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for
>> > these breast implants. I’m not shooting myself in the
>> > chest.”
>> >
>> > “So then?” asked the doctor.
>> >
>> > “Then, I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I
>> > just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m
>> > not shooting myself in the mouth.”
>> >
>> > “So then?”
>> >
>> > “Then, I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is
>> > going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the
>> > other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
>> >
>> > *****************
>> > Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
>> > There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were
>> > stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
>> >
>> > *****************
>> > A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught
>> > in a really bad hail storm. Her car was covered with
>> > dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
>> >
>> > The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
>> > decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home
>> > and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the
>> > dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got
>> > down on her hands and knees and started blowing into
>> > her tail pipe.
>> >
>> > Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and
>> > still nothing happened.
>> >
>> > Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
>> > “What are you doing?”
>> >
>> > The first blonde told her how the repairman had
>> > instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to
>> > get all the dents to pop out.
>> >
>> > The roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, like
>> > hello! You need to roll up the windows first.”
>> >
>> > ****************
>> > A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes
>> > checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read
>> > various letters with the left eye while covering the
>> > right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye
>> > was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a
>> > paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up
>> > the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
>> > As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears
>> > streaming down her face.
>> >
>> > “Look,” said the doctor, “there’s no need to get
>> > emotional about getting glasses.”
>> >
>> > “I know,” agreed the blonde, “But I kind of had my
>> > heart set on wire frames.”
>> >
>> >
>> > ************************
>> > A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came
>> > across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by
>> > it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the
>> > clerk to ask what it was.
>> >
>> > The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos…it keeps
>> > some things hot and some things cold.”
>> >
>> > “Wow”, said the blonde, “that’s amazing…I’m going
>> > to buy it.” So she bought the thermos and took it to
>> > work the next day.
>> >
>> > Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’s that”, he asked?
>> >
>> > “Why, that’s a thermos…it keeps hot things hot and
>> > cold things cold”, she replied.
>> >
>> > Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
>> >
>> > The blond replied,“Two Popsicles, and some
>> > coffee.”
>> >
>> > ****************************
>> >
>> > AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST…
>> >
>> > A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes
>> > out.
>> >
>> > Her boss asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”
>> >
>> > The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone
>> > call saying that my mother had passed away.”
>> >
>> > The boss feeling very sorry for her says, “Why don’t
>> > you go home for the day…we aren’t terribly busy.
>> > Just take the day off to relax and rest.”
>> >
>> > “Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my
>> > mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that
>> > here.”
>> >
>> > The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
>> > usual.
>> >
>> > A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
>> > blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the
>> > blonde hysterically crying. “What’s so bad now? Are
>> > you gonna be okay?” he asks.
>> >
>> > “No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just received a horrible
>> > call from my sister and she said that her mom died
>> > too!”
>
>
>

Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the
yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30
minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up
there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the
bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”