Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can!
Just drop you under shorts and we can tell your exact age. Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.

The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, “You’re 84 years old!”

“How in the world did you guess?!?”

The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.




        Monday, Jan. 30, 2006


        Class 1
        How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
        Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

        Class 2
        The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
        Round Table Discussion.
        Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

        Class 3
        Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
        Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
        Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

        Class 4
        Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
        Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
        Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

        Class 5
        After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
        Examples on Video.
        Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
        at 7:00 PM

        Class 6
        Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
        Help Line Support and Support Groups.
        Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

        Class 7
        Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
        And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
        Open Forum .
        Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

        Class 8
        Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
        Graphics and Audio Tapes.
        Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

        Class 9
        Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
        Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

        Class 10
        Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
        Driving Simulations.
        4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

        Class 11
        Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
        Online Classes and role-playing .
        Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

        Class 12
        How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
        Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
        Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

        Class 13
        How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
        Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
        Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

        Class 14
        The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
        Live Demonstration.
        Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

        Upon completion of any of the above courses,
        diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

        Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day

Subject: Seniors

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors’ special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. “Sounds good,” my wife said. "But I don’t want the eggs. “Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked

"YES!!" ----

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.  She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS. We've been around the block more than once.

A Father Passing By His Son’s Bedroom Was Astonished To See The Bed
Was Nicely Made And Everything Was Picked Up. Then He Saw An Envelope
Propped Up Prominently On The Center Of The Bed. It Was Addressed, “dad”.
With The Worst Premonition, He Opened The Envelope And Read The Letter With
Trembling Hands:
Dear Dad,
It Is With Great Regret And Sorrow That I’m Writing This. I Had
To Elope With My New Girlfriend Because I Wanted To Avoid A Scene With
Mom And You. I’ve Been Finding Real Passion With Barbara And She Is So Nice
Even With All Her Piercing, Tattoos, And Her Tight Motorcycle Clothes. But It’s
Not Only The Passion Dad, She’s Pregnant And Barbara Said That We Will Be
Very Happy.
Even Though You Don’t Care For Her As She Is Much Older Than I, She
Already Owns A Trailer In The Woods And Has A Stack Of Firewood For
The Whole Winter. She Wants To Have Many More Children With Me And
That’s Now One Of My Dreams Too.
Barbara Taught Me That Marijuana Doesn’t Really Hurt Anyone And We’ll
Be Growing It For Ourselves And Trading It With Her Friends For All The
Cocaine And Ecstasy We Want. In The Meantime, We’ll Pray That Science
Will Find A Cure For Aids So Barbara Can Get Better; She Sure Deserves It!!
Don’t Worry Dad, I’m 15 Years Old Now And I Know How To Take Care Of
Myself. Someday I’m Sure We’ll Be Back To Visit So You Can Get To Know
Your Grandchildren.
Your Son, John
P.s. Dad, None Of This Is True. I’m Over At The Neighbor’s House.
I Just Wanted To Remind You That There Are Worse Things In Life Than My
Report Card That’s In My Desk Center Drawer. I Love You!
Call When It’s Safe For Me To Come Home

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned
over and said, “Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower

“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The
first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the
front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked
old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.

“I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”

Thinking about age, huh?




An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night’s sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.”
“Why not?” he asked.
She answered, “Because I’m dead.”
The husband asked?

"What are you talking about?

We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, “No, I’m definitely dead.”
He insisted, "You are not dead.

What in the world makes you think you’re dead?"

“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

Once you get over the hill, you’ll begin to pick up speed.

If it weren’t for STRESS
I’d have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan…

Will Not Be Evenly Distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don’t have any film.

I always know…

God won’t give me more than I can handle

There are times I just wish He didn’t trust me quite so much.

Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff

If the shoe fits… buy a pair in every color.

Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.

Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian.
Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Bills travel through the mail…
at twice the speed of checks.

If you look like your passport picture…
you probably need the trip.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth.
Women are from earth.
Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
Trust me… you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

I’ve tried!!

Have A Wonderful Day!

Musical Instrument
by Howard Horton, Jr

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I
noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.
After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders,
I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to
be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the
amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes
on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife approached
and whispered in my ear, “I hate to tell you this, dear,
but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

  • from “Short Takes” by Howard Horton, Jr.


I don’t skinny dip - I chunky dunk!

Dear IRS:

I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.

I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.

I’m not 40-something. I am $39.95 plus shipping and handling.

I do not have hot flashes. I have short, private vacations in the tropics.

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.

I have PMS and ESP. That makes me a __itch that knows everything.

I gave up jogging because my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my thighs on fire.

Food has replaced s e x in my life…now I can’t even get into my own pants.

They lied. Hard work has killed a lot of people.

Born free - now I’m expensive.

useless things you need to know -

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
“Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

In the 1400’s a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule
of thumb”

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this…) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

TheSan Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg
in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independenceon July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase… “goodnight, sleep

It was the accepted practice in Babylon4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.” It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Don’t delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdgnieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat
ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their


you’ve been on line 467 minutes - do you remember your family members names?

how would you like to be tortured today??? boiled in oil??? put on the rack??? make you call a technical support line???

help - I’m on line and I can’t get off…

ever notice - the older we get - the more we like computers?? we start out with lots of MEMORY and DRIVE then we become outdated and have to have our parts replaced…

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come
up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92 old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.” And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.” He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me . I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.!

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Crap, am I driving?”

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

The dispatcher say, “Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

“Disregard.”, He says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”

We won’t ever get like this, will we??? Shoot me if I do!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown
ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for his order. The man says,
"We’ll each have a hamburger, fries and a Coke,"and
turns to the ostrich. “How’s that sound?”
>“Sounds great,” says the ostrich.
When the man comes to the register to pay the
check the waitress says, “That will be nine dollars
and forty-three cents.”
The man reaches into his pocket and, without
looking, lays the exact amount on the counter and
walks out.
A few days later the man and ostrich come again.
He says, “We’ll each have the meatloaf, mashed
potatoes and green beans, and a Dr. Pepper.”
“How’s that sound?” he asks the ostrich. “Sounds
great,” the ostrich says.
Again the man reaches into his pocket and,
without looking, pays with exact change and walks out.
This becomes routine until the two
enter come in on a Friday night.
“We’ll both have a steak, baked potato, and
salad,” says the man. “How’s that sound?” he asks the
“Great,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the man comes up to pay.
“That will be $32.62.” Once again the man
pulls the exact change out of his pocket, without
looking, and places it on the counter.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any
longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always
come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I
rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and
the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most
people would wish for a million dollars or something,
but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!”
The waitress asks, “But, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big a $ $ and long legs who agrees
with everything I say.”

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation
>that will pay him more.
> There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
> Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up
>and proclaims: “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
>Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
> The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says:
>“If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and
>also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
> More sighs and loud applause.
> Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the
>preacher stays, I will give him sex,” There is total silence.
> The Preacher, blushing, asks her: “Mrs… Jones, whatever possessed
>you to say that?”
> Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
>forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side
>while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
>and he said…
> “Screw the Preacher.”

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them…give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering; I didn’t get one either

Subject: Who want’s to be a Millionaire?

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

“I need an answer,” said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis.

“Yes, that is my final answer.”

Two seconds later, Regis said, “I regret to inform you that the answer is … absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

“Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way…how did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on!” said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.

>The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
>love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
>“You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
>do this
>to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving
>house, I want a divorce!”
>The husband, replies “Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
>to what happened!”
>“Hummmmm, I don’t know, well it’ll be the last thing I will hear from
>But make it fast, you unfaithful pig!”
>The husband begins to tell his story . . . “While driving home this
>lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and
>her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and
>dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great
>compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
>that I
>made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid
>gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them. Since she was
>dirty I asked her to take a shower.
>While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
>so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the
>of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer
>because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I
>you on our anniversary and you don’t wear because you said I don’t
>have good
>taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas
>you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the
>that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again
>you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.”
>The husband continues his story . . . . .
>"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the
>door. When
>we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her
>she asked me:
>“Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?”

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
“What are you doing in there?”
she asked.

The rabbit replied:
“This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”,
to which the lady replied
“Well,” the rabbit said,

“I’m westing.”

Now, groan for a few seconds

Subject: What can we eat?

Can’t eat beef … Mad Cow

Can’t eat chicken … Bird flu

Can’t eat eggs … Salmonella

Can’t eat pork … trichinosis

Can’t eat fish … Mercury and other heavy metals

Can! 't eat f ruits and veggies … insecticides and herbicides







I believe that leaves Chocolate!
Remember - - - “STRESSED” spelled backwards is …


Really cute Kitchen Witch, here is one for you about the same…
Betty had just walked out of the shower, her husband ran in and said to let him get a shower, so she threw on her robe and then the doorbell rang.
She run down to the door and there was neighbor Bob, he took one look at her and said “I will give you $800.00 if you remove your robe” Betty thought about the new chair she wanted and so she said “what the heck” and dropped her robe for Bob, getting the money.
When she went upstairs to the bathroom, her husband said, “Who was that”?
She told him it was just their neighbor Bob.
He said “oh good, did he bring the $800.00 I loaned him”?

At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State.


Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper


Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evenin’ stinkin’ drunk, as he
Often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave
Her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standin’ at the end of his bed
Wearin a long flowin’ white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are ya doin’ in my bedroom?”.

The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I am Saint

Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family… Ya gotta send me back right away”.

St. Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there’s a catch. We can
Only send ya back as a dog or a hen.”

Brian was devastated, but knowin’ there was a farm not far from his house,
He asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in
Feathers and cluckin’ around peckin’ the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he
Thought until he felt this strange feelin’ wellin’ up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are
You enjoyin’ your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feelin’ inside like I’m about to explode”.

“You’re ovulatin’” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me ya never laid an egg before”.

“Never” replies Brian.

“Well, just relax and let it happen” advised the rooster.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
From under his tail. An immense feelin’ of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feelin’ of happiness was overwhelmin’ and he
Knew that bein’ reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened
To him… Ever!!!

The joy kept comin’ and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
Enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shoutin’ “Brian,
Wake up you drunken b.a.s.t.a.r.d, you’re s.h.i.t.t.i.n’ the Bed!”


Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it

These Are Very Bad!!

Rejected Titles For The Movie “brokeback Mountain”:
> High Nooner
> Jeremiah’s Johnson
> True, He Grits
> Polesmoke
> The Pleasure Of The Sierra, Padre
> Butch A.s.sidy And The Bundance Kid
> The Man Who Shot All Over Liberty Valance
> Paint Your F.a.g On
> How The West Was Hung
> The Wild Brunch
> He Wore A Yellow Ribbon
> The Legend Of The Long Ranger
> Doc’s Holiday With Billy The Kid
> Very Raw Hide
> Lonesome Doug
> The Hoarse Soldiers
> Destry Rides Again… And Again
> Mccabe And Mr. Miller
> A Fistful Of Ned
> Hi, Plains Drifter!
> The Magnificent Seven Inches
> Quickly Down Under
> Bareback Mounting
> Bone-nanza
> Don’t Mess With Tex’ A.s.s
> Home On The Ranger
> Oklahomo
> Rooster C.o.c.kburn
> Little Bathhouse On The Prairie
> Prances With Wolves
> Baloney Pony Rodeo
> Tubesteak Cowboys

An elderly couple sitting in the hall, day after day, hand in hand in his lap.One day after lunch, she returns to find him with another women, hand in hand in his lap. The rejected old faithful said to her male friend, “what does she have, that I don’t have?” He replies with a smile “parkinsons”–JIM


Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support : OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah…
Tech support : And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…
Tech support : Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!


Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer : A white one…


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support : That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry…


Tech support : Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


Tech support : Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer : Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support : Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates, damn it!


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…


Customer : I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah…thank you.


Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support : Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support : Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support : That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work


Tech support : Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support : OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer : Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”


And last but not least:…

Tech support : “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support : “P”…on your keyboard, Bob.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was
submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a “pocket Taser” for
their anniversary.
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety… WAY TOO COOL!
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain
to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries,. right?!!!
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
“no possible way!”
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do
my best…
> I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all
that bad… I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
> I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat
was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three second burst would be considered conservative.
> SON-OF-A-… that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I
can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they
up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m
offering a significant reward for their safe return.
> Still in shock,
> Tommy

Subject: Last Rites
>>A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death
>> on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.
>> “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. Minutes drag on,
>> and
>> no one steps out of the crowd.
>> A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, “A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn’t
>> there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?”
>> Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 85
>> years
>> of age.
>> “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a
>> Christian.
>> But for 50 years now I’m living behind the Catholic Church on First
>> Avenue,
>> and every night I’m overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it,
>> and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man.”
>> The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to
>> where the injured man lay.
>> The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the man and says in a solemn
>> voice:
>> “B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72”

Redneck sympathy

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and
Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and
tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are . "

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I
stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped

Yesterday, I read that sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading!!!

Have a Great Day !

Subject: Sunday Afternoon

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted.
A few moments passed … “An ambulance just drove by”
A few moments later, “Looks like theAnderson’s have company”, he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike…”
A few moments later,
'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
“Jason is on his skate board…”
A few more moments,
“The Coopers are having sex!!”
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, “How do you know they are having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too.”