A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown
ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for his order. The man says,
"We’ll each have a hamburger, fries and a Coke,"and
turns to the ostrich. “How’s that sound?”
>“Sounds great,” says the ostrich.
When the man comes to the register to pay the
check the waitress says, “That will be nine dollars
and forty-three cents.”
The man reaches into his pocket and, without
looking, lays the exact amount on the counter and
A few days later the man and ostrich come again.
He says, “We’ll each have the meatloaf, mashed
potatoes and green beans, and a Dr. Pepper.”
“How’s that sound?” he asks the ostrich. “Sounds
great,” the ostrich says.
Again the man reaches into his pocket and,
without looking, pays with exact change and walks out.
This becomes routine until the two
enter come in on a Friday night.
“We’ll both have a steak, baked potato, and
salad,” says the man. “How’s that sound?” he asks the
“Great,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the man comes up to pay.
“That will be $32.62.” Once again the man
pulls the exact change out of his pocket, without
looking, and places it on the counter.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any
longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always
come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I
rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and
the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most
people would wish for a million dollars or something,
but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!”
The waitress asks, “But, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big a $ $ and long legs who agrees
with everything I say.”
The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation
>that will pay him more.
> There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
> Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up
>and proclaims: “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
>Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
> The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says:
>“If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and
>also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
> More sighs and loud applause.
> Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the
>preacher stays, I will give him sex,” There is total silence.
> The Preacher, blushing, asks her: “Mrs… Jones, whatever possessed
>you to say that?”
> Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
>forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side
>while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
>and he said…
> “Screw the Preacher.”
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”
God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them…give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering; I didn’t get one either
Subject: Who want’s to be a Millionaire?
A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
“I need an answer,” said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis.
“Yes, that is my final answer.”
Two seconds later, Regis said, “I regret to inform you that the answer is … absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
“Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way…how did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on!” said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.