Raiders Of The Lost Ark Extra Cheesy Spielburgers
These aren’t your everyday cheeseburgers, they’re bigger, richer, and cheesier, just like a Spielburg movie! You’ll love 'em!
You will Need:
2 lbs. either beef chuck, top round, chicken or turkey thighs or lean lamb, very cold
2 cups mushrooms, sliced
2 Tbsp. peanut oil
1/4 cup crushed ice
1 beefsteak tomato, sliced
1/4 cup scallions, chopped
1 white onion, thinly sliced
2 Tbsp. parsley, chopped
1 tsp. freshly cracked black pepper
kosher salt to taste
1 lb. sharp cheddar, thinly sliced
2 Tbsp. butter
1 small head romaine lettuce
4 buns (plus 2 bun stand-ins)
1 “King of the World Club” membership card
Pre-production: After casting the role of “leading meat” for your
extravaganza, contact the representing agent and begin negotiations. (Scale
plus 10% and a few points on the meal should secure the deal.) Cut the meat
into 1-2 inch pieces and transfer to a food processor. Add the crushed ice
and using short pulses, grind the meat to the consistency of coarse
hamburger. Don’t over grind (or over direct) or the meat will become tough.
Transfer to a mixing bowl, add the scallions, parsley and black pepper; mix
Divide the meat into 4 equal pieces. Form each piece into a virtual
blockbuster of a burger, each one more fantastic and wildly successful than
the one before it. (If really aspiring to greatness, try forming the patties
around a fat chunk of cheese…who cares if it throws you over budget and
behind schedule, this is your vision, dammit!) Season both sides of the
patties with kosher salt and refrigerate.
Saute the mushrooms in butter (Assuring them privately all the while that
they are the real stars of this meal.) season with salt and pepper and set
Production: Heat a heavy, cast iron skillet over a medium-high heat until
very hot. Quickly brush the pan with peanut oil and ask the assistant
director to call for the patties.
After the patties have walked through the blocking and are comfortable
with their motivations, shout ACTION! and thrust them into the pan. The
scene should last about 4 minutes; flip them and do the reversals, then top
each burger with as much cheese as you can get away with.
Continue working until each burger is cooked precisely the way you want
it…if you want ‘rare’, yell CUT now!..if you feel ‘medium’ will help skew
a larger, younger audience, then continue cooking 2 minutes longer.
Smother each burger with sauteed mushrooms and excruciatingly obsequious
accolades (making a mental note to phone their agent and kvetch about how
impossible they were to work with.)
Post-production: Give yourself a pat on the back and exit stage right
before someone directs you to do the dishes.