Raiders Of The Lost Ark Extra Cheesy Spielburgers

Raiders Of The Lost Ark Extra Cheesy Spielburgers

These aren’t your everyday cheeseburgers, they’re bigger, richer, and cheesier, just like a Spielburg movie! You’ll love 'em!

You will Need:

2 lbs. either beef chuck, top round, chicken or turkey thighs or lean lamb, very cold
2 cups mushrooms, sliced
2 Tbsp. peanut oil
1/4 cup crushed ice
1 beefsteak tomato, sliced
1/4 cup scallions, chopped
1 white onion, thinly sliced
2 Tbsp. parsley, chopped
1 tsp. freshly cracked black pepper
kosher salt to taste
1 lb. sharp cheddar, thinly sliced
2 Tbsp. butter
1 small head romaine lettuce
condiments galore
4 buns (plus 2 bun stand-ins)
1 “King of the World Club” membership card

  1. Pre-production: After casting the role of “leading meat” for your
    extravaganza, contact the representing agent and begin negotiations. (Scale
    plus 10% and a few points on the meal should secure the deal.) Cut the meat
    into 1-2 inch pieces and transfer to a food processor. Add the crushed ice
    and using short pulses, grind the meat to the consistency of coarse
    hamburger. Don’t over grind (or over direct) or the meat will become tough.
    Transfer to a mixing bowl, add the scallions, parsley and black pepper; mix
    together well.

  2. Divide the meat into 4 equal pieces. Form each piece into a virtual
    blockbuster of a burger, each one more fantastic and wildly successful than
    the one before it. (If really aspiring to greatness, try forming the patties
    around a fat chunk of cheese…who cares if it throws you over budget and
    behind schedule, this is your vision, dammit!) Season both sides of the
    patties with kosher salt and refrigerate.

  3. Saute the mushrooms in butter (Assuring them privately all the while that
    they are the real stars of this meal.) season with salt and pepper and set

  4. Production: Heat a heavy, cast iron skillet over a medium-high heat until
    very hot. Quickly brush the pan with peanut oil and ask the assistant
    director to call for the patties.

  5. After the patties have walked through the blocking and are comfortable
    with their motivations, shout ACTION! and thrust them into the pan. The
    scene should last about 4 minutes; flip them and do the reversals, then top
    each burger with as much cheese as you can get away with.

  6. Continue working until each burger is cooked precisely the way you want
    it…if you want ‘rare’, yell CUT now!..if you feel ‘medium’ will help skew
    a larger, younger audience, then continue cooking 2 minutes longer.

  7. Smother each burger with sauteed mushrooms and excruciatingly obsequious
    accolades (making a mental note to phone their agent and kvetch about how
    impossible they were to work with.)

  8. Post-production: Give yourself a pat on the back and exit stage right
    before someone directs you to do the dishes.