Redneck Jokes

RECIPE FORUM General Chat
1

Being a transplanted “Yankee” , married to a “Redneck” I really appreciate the Jeff Foxworthy type of humor. No one laughs harder at these type of jokes than my “Redneck” friends and me. With that in mind and no offense meant to anyone, hope you enjoy the following (especially you, Kitchen Witch).

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man’s window. “What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy.” The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, “Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?”

The young man replied, “Well sir, I’m a juggler.”

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, “A juggler; well you don’t say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!”

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, “You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you.” The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe’s Tavern, Billy Bob was drinking it up with his buddy Jerry Lee . Billy Bob soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bob spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe’s Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bob said, “Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don’t go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that ain’t nobody gonna pass!”

Top 40 Things Never Said By a Redneck

  1. Oh I just couldn’t. For God’s sake, she’s only sixteen.
  2. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
  3. Duct tape won’t fix that.
  4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
  5. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
  6. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
  7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  8. You can’t feed that to the dog.
  9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
  10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
  11. Wrasslin’s fake.
  12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  13. We’re vegetarians.
  14. Do you think my gut is too big?
  15. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
  16. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
  17. Who’s Richard Petty?
  18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
  20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
  21. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
  22. Trim the fat off that steak.
  23. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  24. The tires on that truck are too big.
  25. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
  26. I’ve got it all on the C drive.
  27. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  28. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
  29. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
  30. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  31. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  32. Checkmate.
  33. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
  34. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  35. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
  36. I don’t have a favorite college team.
  37. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  38. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  39. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
  40. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
2

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over “Ebonics,” has decided to designate Southern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: “Heidi. Hire yew.”

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

FAT – noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “My brother had to fat in the army”.

ARE – pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
Usage: “I are smart”.

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He cain’t breath … give 'im some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah… haze ignert.”

SEED – verb, past tense.
Usage: “My brother seed the whole garden”.

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT – noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”

4

What does a redneck say before he gets injured? “Watch this!”

There’s a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ‘‘Cletus, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!’’
Cletus says, ‘‘I know Maggie May, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!’’

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says “You’re not from round here are ya?”
“No” replied the man, “I’m from Pensylvania.”
The bartender looks at him and says “Well what do you do in Pensylvania?”
“I’m a taxidermist.” said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked “What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?” The man looked at the bar tender and said “Well, I mount dead animals.”
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him “It’s okay, boys! He’s one of us!”

Southern Santa

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following very carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

  1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: ‘‘These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.’’

  2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

  3. Bubba Claus’s sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

  4. You won’t hear ‘‘On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…’’ when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, ‘‘On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.’’

  5. ‘‘Ho, ho, ho!’’ has been replaced by ‘‘Yee Haw!’’ And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, ‘‘I her’d dat!’’

  6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’s sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words ‘‘Back Off!’’ The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going weewee on the Tooth Fairy.

  7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as ‘‘Miracle on 34th Street’’ and ‘‘It’s a Wonderful Life’’ will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see ‘‘Boss Hogg Saves Christmas’’ and ‘‘Smokey and the Bandit IV’’ featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

  8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

  9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like ‘‘Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer’’ and Bing Crosby’s ‘‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town.’’ This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt’s ''Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd’s ''All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s ‘‘If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.’’

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

Christmas in West Virginia

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the crud on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from my Chevy’s transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.
Muh daughter weren’t home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick
I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
As he belched and he farted, he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, almost killed my dog,
I swear that ole’ Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a torn T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his chest
And he wore black boots that he’d picked up out west.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I shouldn’t have laughed cause he was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipping his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh just can’t beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing,
And scrubbing bubbles to get rid of the bathtub ring.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL
… YEE HAWWWW!

5

Things Rednecks shouldn’t say to a cop when he pulls you over

-I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing check out my 44 magnum.
-Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
-Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
-Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
-I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police
officer.
-I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around,
that’s how far they are ahead of me.
-Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonalds?
-Well, when I reached down to pick up my cigarette, my gun fell off of my lap
and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
-Any more stupid questions?

7

Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on your computer

  1. The monitor is up on blocks.

  2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

  3. The six front keys have rotted out.

  4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

  5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

  6. The password is “Bubba”.

  7. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

  8. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

  9. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer…

The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

8

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”

The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

9

Redneck Driver’s Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[] Billy-Bob [] Bobby-Sue
[] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo
[] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann
[] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee
[] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen
[] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: []M []F []None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[] Farmer [] Mechanic
[] Hair Dresser [] Waitress
[] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[] Sister [] Aunt
[] Brother [] Uncle
[] Mother [] Son
[] Father [] Daughter
[] Cousin [] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[] 5th grade [] 6th grade

Do you [] own or [] rent your current home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [] Yes [] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[] Yes [] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[] The National Enquirer [] The Globe
[] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest
[] Rifle and Shotgun [] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[] Weekly
[] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow
[] Brown [] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[] Red-Man [] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[] 1 mile
[] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

10

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?’”

“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.

“The last thing I remember,” Bubba said, "I stood up and said, “Sure, I’m game”.

11

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

  1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
  2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Unscrew drain plug.
  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
  12. Clean up.
  13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
  14. Look for oil filter wrench.
  15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
  16. Have another beer.
  17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
  18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
  19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
  20. Have a beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
  21. Walk to 7-11; buy more beer.
  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
  27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
  28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
  29. Begin cussing fit.
  30. Throw wrench.
  31. Cuss and complain.
  32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
  33. Have a beer.
  34. And another beer.
  35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
  36. Have some more beer.
  37. Lower car from jack stands
  38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
  39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
  40. Test drive car
  41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
  42. Car gets impounded.
  43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
    Money Spent:
    $50 parts
    $12 beer
    $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
    $1000 Bail
    $200 Impound and towing fee
    Total: $1337

Note to self: Next time go downtown for the $19.95 oil change special.

12

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.”

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other Redneck. “Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!”

14

"You know you’re a redneck when…

  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

  5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.

  6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

  7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

  8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

  9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

  10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

  11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

  12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

  13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

  14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

  15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

  16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

  17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

  18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

  19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom’s so clean.

  20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

  21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

  22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

  23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

  24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal Mart.

  25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

  26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

  27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

  28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

  29. You missed your 6th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

  30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

15

Two old rednecks are pushing their carts around Wal Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK. What a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too.I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, wearing a sweater that’s two sizes too small, real tight white shorts and high heels. What does your wife look like?”

The first old guy says,

“Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

16

I’m from Tennessee, love a good redneck joke.