Senior bumper snickers.............

I asked my wife if old men where boxers or briefs…she said DEPENDS.

I’m so old I don’t buy green bananas.

The only bad thing about retirement - you don’t get a day off.

Good bye tension - hello pension.

I was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

It’s nice to be here…at my age it’s nice to be anywhere.

The snap, crackle, pop in the morning ain’t my freakin’ Rice Krispies!

You know you’re getting older when you throw a wild party and your neighbors don’t even realize it.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy…sometimes I let him sleep.

Senior Campbell’s Soup - New LARGE TYPE alphabet soup.

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Quit worrying about your health - it will go away.

I’m not old - I’m chronologically gifted.

Retirement is the best medicine.

Florida - God’s waiting room.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

At my age flowers scare me.

I’m so old that whenever I eat out, they ask me for my money up front.

I’m so old - all my friends in heaven will think I didn’t made it.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

One good thing abut Alzheimer’s - you get to meet new people everyday.

It ain’t the age. It’s the darn mileage.

Support Bingo! Keep Grandma off the streets!

When did my wild oats turn into prunes and bran?

Any day above ground is a good one.

I’m not losing my hair - I’m getting more head.

Retirement - twice as much husband - half as much money.

My wife always gives me sound advice. 99% sound - 1% advice.

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

" The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

** LIFE IN THE 1500’S ***
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be . Here are some facts about the 1500’s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water…
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It’s raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old…
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat…
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a …dead ringer…
And that’s the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom.

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?
"pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, "Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu
all winter."

Way too funny
>>
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>>Haunting Questions
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>>Can you cry under water?
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>>How important does a person have to be before they are
>>considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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>>Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s
>>only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra
>>penny going to?
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>>Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
>>clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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>>Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
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>>What disease did cured ham actually have?
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>>How is it that we put man on the moon before we
>>figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on
>>luggage?
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>>Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby "
>>when babies wake up like every two hours?
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>>If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
>>called a hearing?
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>>Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
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>>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
>>money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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>>Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
>>They’re going to see you naked anyway.
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>>Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
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>>Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
>>toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being
>>would eat ?
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>>If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
>>stupid song about him?
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>>Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
>>lane ?
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>>If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio
>>out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
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>>Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
>>fours? They’re both dogs!
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>>If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
>>ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
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>>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
>>made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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>>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
>>come from morons?
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>>Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
>>have the same tune?
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>>Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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>>Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the
>>hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your
>>butt?
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>>Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s
>>face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a
>>car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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>>Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address
>>in the first place?
>>

Been there, Done that!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. To her
relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her…

“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling…about women
drivers; the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m
a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must
be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil b.i.t.c.h.e.s.
Don’t mess with us.