tooooooooo funny!

Subject: Killer biscuits
>
>
> KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
> (the actual AP headline)
>
> Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and
> while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
>
> Later, several people noticed her sitting in her car with the
> windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the
> back of her head.
>
> One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
> walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and
> she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
> that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
> brains in for over an hour.
>
> The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
> were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
>
> When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
> dough on the back of her head.
>
> A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
> noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
> back of her head.
>
> When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
> thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered
> and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and
> came to her aid.
>
> Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I 'm certain that’s irrelevant.
>

REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

  1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

  2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

  3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

  4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

  5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still
    considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

  1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
    covering the label.

  2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not
    have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home

  1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
    taxidermist.

  2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

  1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
    in private using one’s OWN truck keys

  2. Proper use of toiletries can fore stall bathing for several days. However, if
    you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

  3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
    detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

  1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

  2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out
    with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

  3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
    10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the
    man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

  4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “Ya’ll
    sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.”

Weddings

  1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

  2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

  3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
    clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

  4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special
    occasion.

  5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette

  1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and
    the deer is in sight.

  2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
    has the right of way.

  3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

  4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
    her to bring back beer.

  5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

  6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:

  1. All the DNA is the same.

  2. There are no dental records

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys’ side of the story.
( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules" From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

  1. Men are NOT mind readers.

  2. Learn how to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

  3. Sunday sports - It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

  4. Crying is blackmail.

  5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

  6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

  9. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Be careful - don’t ask us.

  10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the way s makes you upset or angry, then we meant the other one .

  11. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

  13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

  14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

  15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do well at that.

  16. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” - We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

  17. If you ask a question you don’t want an an swer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

  18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

  19. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

  20. You have enough clothes.

  21. You have too many shoes.

  22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

  23. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind it? It’s kind of like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.

He can’t get nothin right
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

?I’d like to be six again,? she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster… everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ?Well dear, what was it like being six again??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ?I meant my dress size, you dumb butt!!?

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

Hi,
This is great ,that women must be the psychic .
ARE you sure that it is real.